“People can be non-parents for many reasons. Miscarriage, infertility, and failed IVF are the ones discussed the most. But there are other medical conditions and life circumstances, such as not meeting the right person to have a child with. All deserve equal empathy, and there’s not one route more difficult than another.” These are the words of Berenice.
Berenice Smith, MA is a World Childless Week ambassador and co-presenter of The Full Stop podcast with Michael Hughes and Sarah Lawrence. It is currently the longest-established podcast on childlessness, and the only one to include male and female presenters. Berenice went through six rounds of IVF and miscarriages, and shares some of her knowledge with us in this article.
Berenice stresses that infertility applies to both partners. “According to Dr. Robin Hadley, it is thought that more men than women are childless not by choice, but the final figures are unknown as it’s so unspoken,” she says.
“Childless not by choice” is a term used to distinguish the experiences of those who wanted, but have been unable, to have children from those who have chosen not to become parents.
“Acknowledging that infertility is a loss for both partners is important — and that loss is lifelong,” continued Berenice. “Your friend or relative will be changed by their experiences, and that can alter the fabric of your relationship,” she added.
So, bearing all of this in mind, what do you need to know about infertility, and how do you support someone you love facing fertility challenges?
Let’s start with a few statistics
The Centers for Disease and Control Prevention official definition states that infertility is “not being able to get pregnant after one year or more of unprotected sex.” In short, people who are infertile have trouble either getting pregnant or staying pregnant.
As Berenice eludes, infertility and being childless not by choice are not necessarily the same by definition, but have a similar impact. Also, if you aren’t in a cis, hetero couple, then this definition of infertility is lacking. There needs to be a broader definition of infertility that encompasses all challenges with family building.
Infertility is not at all uncommon. Around 1 in 7 couples in the US have trouble getting or staying pregnant, which equates to approximately 6.7 million Americans each year having trouble conceiving naturally.
This number, however, doesn’t include the LGBTQ+ community, people who have not found a partner, and those who are childless through other circumstances. It’s therefore likely, at some point in your life, you will come across a friend, loved one, acquaintance, or colleague facing infertility or who is unable to build the family they long for.
It’s important to remember that a person’s or a couple’s fertility journey is completely individual — every set of circumstances, situation, and outcome is unique. Nobody goes through the exact same experience, and fertility problems can be very unpredictable.
What to say to a friend/relative experiencing infertility
What can you say to a friend who’s experiencing infertility, had a failed IVF cycle, or even a miscarriage? It’s actually less about what you say, and more about what you give them space to say.
“Listen to what they need” is the most crucial point that Berenice stresses. “It’s okay just to say ‘I’m sorry’ and spend time with them,” she added.
“Listen to what they need” is the most crucial point that Berenice stresses. “It’s okay just to say ‘I’m sorry’ and spend time with them,” she added. Try to take time to listen, and not just wait for your turn to speak. Put your phone away and concentrate on what your friend is saying. Truly listening is a skill and an important part of taking care of your loved one.
“Those going through infertility can feel like friends avoid them,” said Berenice. “Losing touch as lives move on is tough.” She advises that it’s okay to admit you’re not sure what to do or say. “We tend not to know either, but muddling through together is better than being ignored or ghosted,” she said.
There are a few key things that you can do to support someone through infertility:
- Give them space to speak if they want to — and if they do, be there to listen. Keep in mind your loved one might not always be ready to talk about their experiences, or may at times be looking for a distraction or escape by having fun with you. But try to create a safe space where your friend or family member is comfortable telling you how they really feel.
- Try not to assume you’ll know how they feel, but respond to their feelings with validation. For example, if your friend says they’re feeling frustrated or exhausted, you might respond, “I can see how this would be so difficult.” If they say they feel like life’s not fair, you might respond: “You’re right — it’s not fair that you’re dealing with this.” Hearing you validate their emotions can really cement that you’re on their side, and that you’re a safe person for them when they’re struggling.
- Be available and ask if they need help. Infertility, especially infertility treatment, can be stressful. Help might include picking them up or dropping them off from a doctor’s appointment, helping them with their medications, or just bringing them some takeout or a home-cooked meal when you know their lives are a whirlwind of IVF cycles.
What not to say to a friend experiencing infertility
“Most of all, try to avoid fixing the situation,” advised Berenice. “As humans, we want to solve problems, but in this instance, it can be hurtful,” she added.
It can seem comforting to say the next IVF cycle will work, or perhaps adoption is a great option. But there simply isn’t any evidence that IVF always works, the right person will come along, or adoption is easy. In general, stay away from giving unsolicited advice.
“Your friend or relative will almost certainly have thought of all avenues already and carefully considered them,” said Berenice. “I have been told it’s Mother Nature telling me I’m not destined to be a mother, that I’m wrong to not adopt because a distant relative did it, and offered up children with misplaced humor,” she described. “Although undoubtedly well-intended, these types of comments certainly affected my mental health,” she explained. Comments like this can undermine how painful and difficult this person’s journey is. It may even lead them to shut down the conversation.
Similarly, it’s a good idea to stay away from comparing your friend’s experience to others in an attempt to make it seem less painful. “At least you have…” or “look on the bright side…” statements can feel dismissive to the very real grief your loved one may be dealing with.
Bottom line: You don’t have to fix the problem. Let your loved one feel their feelings. Listening and being there is enough, and far more supportive.
Situations that might feel difficult for a loved one experiencing infertility — and how you can help
Different scenarios can be a “trigger” or painful for different people.
“Some people may shy away from child-centric events, Mother’s or Father’s Day, or Christmas. Any celebration that has family at heart can be hard,” said Berenice. Baby showers, birthdays, or religious ceremonies for new babies may also drudge up painful feelings.
She advises that the best way to approach a situation is to give the person a choice, with no guilt or obligation. “I’ve been invited, but told I don’t need to reply and to decide on the day, which acknowledges that… grief isn’t linear,” said Berenice. Remember that your friend may not be able to predict if they’ll feel “up to it” weeks or even months in advance.
The workplace is often a trigger that isn’t considered. “Baby showers, collections, and announcements can be problematic and a strain on mental health in front of people that may not be terribly close,” explained Berenice. Being respectful of different people’s circumstances and sensitive to those around you is just as important in a work environment.
Bottom line: Make sure people still feel invited and included, but express that you understand if they can’t attend an event. Support your loved one’s decision either way, and be there if they want to talk about how challenging a particular situation is for them.
How to tell a friend with infertility that you are pregnant
If you find out you are pregnant and someone you love is struggling with infertility, has just miscarried, or is unable to have children, you may be worried about making the announcement.
This will never be an easy situation, but it’s important not to hide things or keep a pregnancy a secret. They will find out eventually, and the news should come from you. The longer you put it off, the more it can hurt.
Before any big announcements happen, or they are taken by surprise, tell your loved one the news privately. Acknowledge that this might be hard news for your friend to hear.
Try not to take your friend’s reaction or response personally. Give them time – however long they need. If you plan to make further announcements or hold any special occasions regarding your pregnancy, then talk to them about it first. Give them a choice if they want to be present or not, and don’t hold it against them if they choose not to participate.
Give your friend or relative permission not to be excited and to share their emotions. Equally, give them permission to take some space and go through their feelings privately. Tell them that you want to be respectful of their feelings, and ask how best you can support them at this time. No one needs permission to show how they feel, but knowing you understand and hearing that you don’t have to hide your feelings can be a big relief.
Show your support by getting more educated
Practically, educating yourself about infertility or being childless not through choice is a great place to start when supporting a loved one.
Here’s a solid list to start with:
Having some basic knowledge shows a loved one that you care and understand some of the ins and outs of the challenges they face. However, the best thing you can do is listen.
“I have always imagined grief to be like a bag,” described Berenice. “Sometimes it’s light, and we carry it easier, but other days it’s heavy, and we need friends to share the load. The bag is always there. Being that friend is an honor.”